I stand huddled over the sink in my empty house. Some days the emptiness is joyous, as light filters through the vast kitchen windows; some days this house feels dark and lonely as if it’s closing in on me. I meander between these walls as the hours turn into days, which turn into weeks and have now become months. I miss my family. I daydream about wanting a family of my own. Quarantine stripped the everyday distractions self-medicating us from the very real trauma we carry within the strands of our DNA (epigenetics).

The burned-out neural pathways of our childhoods, sit on repeat and reaction like drains we circle in survival.

Before I started the work, I was a queen of self-medication. Scrolling through Instagram to avoid emotional intimacy, numbing myself with alcohol and drugs, or even events. Hell, I’m a parentified and achievement motivated workaholic at times. My career gives me social capital which one could argue is its own self-medication.

Last summer, I did an audit of the top six people I was spending my time with. It turns out, I was spending most of my time with friends or lovers that weren’t showing-up for themselves in the same ways I wasn’t showing up for myself. I knew if I was going to move forward I would need to end those relationships.  Afterwards, I worried that my life would feel empty. I needed to replace my negative friendships with people who were making better decisions in their lives. Pick your flock, that’s what my foster mom says. We are a reflection of those we surround ourselves with.

Here are three positive changes that cultivate community and helped me build healthier relationships.

Growing-up I didn't have good financial modeling. When my biological family fell apart my parents were hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. I have struggled my entire life trying to learn how to manage my money appropriately.

I almost had to drop out of UCLA my junior year because I decided to stay in LA for the summer and take on a multicultural internship with the Getty Museum. When I accepted the position, I didn’t realize that my first paycheck from the Getty wouldn’t arrive until after my apartment deposit for the following semester was due. I simply miscalculated when the funds were going to post.